I think I need to disconnect. Jussie and Jordyn and more Jussie? Oh my! My brain needs a break.
I've always been a battery, offering what I have to those under 10%. But this week, I feel like my old iphone 6--quick to drain, can't keep a charge. I know my family can feel the difference. I'm trying to give more than I have. But I am tired... and they're tired, because the boost I usually give hasn't come. Dying is a helluva drug.
I usually try to be mindless in these instances I feel drained. Turn on something and zone out. But everywhere I look it's Jussie and Jordyn, lying and cheating, and all of these things I don't much care about. I have too many of my own problems to care about yours. Not to mention, I've tried to watch a movie five times now and each time I am interrupted with someone's issue. I'm gonna go dark this weekend. No media. No phone. See if I can't recenter and restore; recharge and refocus.
I don't like my thoughts when I feel like this. I start looking at what I've lost instead of the room that was made for what is to come. I start comparing my goodness to my lack and others' badness to their gains. As if for some reason, if I am good, I shouldn't suffer and that, worse, other people don't deserve what they get. I have that bad sometimes. It's ugly. I know.
I've never been one to have friends. I can't seem to keep them very long. My problem is I have no issues being alone, so I don't make an effort to leave home for too long. Besides, people are draining and I'm fresh out. But every white rhino, I wish I had a group to do things with. Usually when I am down like this. For a brief blip, I wish I was one of the those girls who had friends. The ones who gossip and care about girl things enough to click up. I usually come to my senses pretty quickly. Usually after some good sleep. I guess I should get some sleep.
These are my ramblings for today.