Something I've always struggled with is my impatience. The same problem pattern has been a reoccurring theme in my life and has rippled its dewy warmth across all of my als. My person-al. My profession-al. My Spiritu-al. All of my als.
Wasting my time is one of my biggest pet peeves. I don't want to spend time going down path A only to find days/months/years into it that I chose wrong. I don't want to click on the picture of a recipe and find fourteen blocks of text about how your sister/cousin/husband ate two bowls. I despise dating. Just send me the best one out of the few I will ever date and I will take it from there.
I don't know what is with me and my obsession with time (if you've read the home page, you will get that joke). But I can just feel it betraying me with each thump of my bleeding heart. So, I don't want to waste time. I don't want to settle for small or schmedium, or good when I can be great. And how great can I be with how much time I have left? Seriously, I really want to know. Is this the best? Because if so, I am perfectly content with that. I just need to adjust a few perspectives on some things. Quit some things. Throw some resources into some other things.
There is an old SNL skit by the Lonely Island that poked fun about the YOLO craze of 2013. Everyone was saying YOLO then as an excuse to jump out of a plane or ghost ride their car or some other dumb shit. In the skit, the joke is you only live once so you need to be cautious and I laughed because although that is not exactly me, it's pretty close.
My first thoughts when someone would say, "YOLO," was that I needed to finish my works and see if anyone liked them. I needed to give back. I needed to find my purpose and then spend some time doing said purpose and then add some more time in order to reflect on that purpose and then enjoy the world a bit and then pass on. Time was running out and I haven't even lived.
I've often wondered if people view life like I do. If they feel things how I do. There is a conflict in my soul between what I am supposed to be doing and what I am actually doing but the rules of the society I abide by so religiously, don't align with what I know in my heart to be right. And the more I spend time pursing earthly novelties, the less secure and good I feel about myself. And the more I spend time doing things that feed the very essence of me, the more I withdraw, and the less I eat, and the less money I make, and the more the debt piles and the more those creature comforts to which I have grown so accustomed become threatened.
Balance Aecko. That is the key to survival in this chaos but is it the key to life? Or is the way we've constructed society all wrong? And if it is wrong, it is meant to be wrong for the time being, so then embrace it and adapt.
It is in my nature to want to fix what is broken but I could never be so arrogant to even begin to try. What is broken in this world for me may be fine for you. I know this. But knowing this doesn't settle my nature.
I realize I am all over the place and this probably doesn't make much sense. But that's exactly what I am trying to say. I don't make sense. I don't belong. I feel everything, perhaps too much. This isn't a suicidal, I'm depressed, kind of thing. I have never had depression. I would never even think to kill myself. That will NOT be how I go. The more people that would just assume this, the more I know that nobody actually understands how I feel and the more I feel like I am all I have. I just feel things differently and the more people I meet the more it reinforces that I am alone in my feelings. I think I'm just longing for a community. My tribe.
Oftentimes, seriously too many, I will say I just want to go home when I am at home. Inside I feel the place I live is not my home. I don't know where I came from. I don't know how to find it, but I miss it. Today I just want to go home, and not permanently either. But just to feel safe again. To feel like I belong...again.
These are my random thoughts for today.